When I decided to start this blog I had an entire content plan developed with all kinds of the interesting post including tips, tricks, recipes and things to help your lifestyle as a mother or whatever walk of life you are in.
It brings me down that my first post is going to be so dark, but it is real and is the exact reason I wanted to start this blog. This was supposed to be my outlet, my way to meet others that can either say “I have been there” and help me on my journey or that I can help on theirs and let them know there is a little bit of hope.Our infertility and pregnancy journey has been a long one, for the purpose of this story and this phase in my life, I will sum it up this way.
Our infertility and pregnancy journey has been a long one, for the purpose of this story and this phase in my life, I will sum it up this way.
Dr./Nurse: How many pregnancies is this?
Me: This will be number 6
Dr./Nurse: How many live births?
Although that one live birth was our last one, I love saying that one, I love having that miracle baby. Pregnancy, labor, none of it was easy but she is perfect! Sleeps 12 hours a night perfect!
So, now my husband and I are 22 weeks with a baby boy. We were not expecting this pregnancy, we thought about starting to try again but after everything last time we just were not sure. God, however, had another plan, and the weeks quickly went by and this became what they consider a viable pregnancy. As a planner, a name has been picked, and the nursery is about 80% done.
I sit here and ask myself, and ask God why. When it really rains it poor’s huh?
The past couple weeks have resulted in more trials and tribulations than I care to list. I know that my problems may not seem as serious as others and in by no means am I trying to out due anyone with what I am going through. It is just simply my way of getting it all out and sharing how I am getting through it. All of that pray of about everything, worry about nothing is all easier said than done right?
So, my grandfather is currently battling lung cancer, as him and my grandmother are raising my 16-year-old cousin this has brought on a lot of uncertainty and financial struggles in their life, my father recently had his 3rd skin cancer surgery. I try to be there for my family as much as I can but it is a little hard when 3000 miles away because home is where the Air Force takes u. Today we got news that there is going to be complications with this pregnancy, and I could go into labor at any time. To say the least, I am scared.
I try to maintain all of this stress as I am currently active duty in the United States Air Force. My husband has great opportunities lying ahead of him as promotion results come out next week and if he has made the next rank. He is also golfing with the Director of the United States Air Force Golf Team this weekend. This is huge as it could open many doors for him. While I am praying about doors either opening or closing in my career. Continue my plan to separate next August, or extend my contract a year and apply for a position that would guarantee me that chance to stay in the military, and not deploy, or anything for 4 years. That is 4 years that I keep my career and will still be there for my children every single day. If I do not get that position, I secured myself another year of dual income which don’t get me wrong is nice but that is another year I drop my children off at day care every day and try not to cry as I walk and look at them through the glass. I miss out on all those awesome classes during the day, gymnastics, music, and swimming that it seems in this area they only schedule for mom’s who don’t work. One more year.
Here I am, left wanting to break down and cry every time I walk past this little guy we are expecting’s nursery, every time I see his latest ultrasound on the refrigerator or every time I look at my adorable daughter and the amazing blessing God gave us already. I can’t though, I have to press on, I have books to read to her, games to play, dishes to do and a paper to write for class.
I try my hardest to live in praise so through all of these trials and tribulations, through this storm I will press on because this isn’t the hardest walk of life I have had. It is hard right now but I know he is prepping me.
1 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. 2Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, 3 though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. 4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. 5 God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. 6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts. 7 The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. 8 Come and see what the LORD has done, the desolations he has brought on the earth. 9 He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth. He breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the shields with fire. 10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” 11 The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.
As I read this passage I just can’t help but feel my heart calm, as I do not want to stress, I do not want to worry. I was to enjoy this stretch of life we are in. Enjoy my daughter as she is walking and talking more every day. Enjoy this journey as we go from a family of 3 to a family of 4. Enjoy what the great Alaskan summer has to offer. These waters are roaring and foaming, my mountains are quaking but I will not shake. I will not stir and I will press on as God is within me and I will not fall!
I invite all of you to join me on this journey, to make the base of our mountains stronger and to get through this together.